Dean's Journal
by dickgraysonfan101
Summary: Destiel prompt. While digging thru the Bunker, Cas and Sam come across a hunter's journal ... They soon discover it's actually Dean's journal, and while it contains a great deal of information about monsters, demons, and angels, it also contains a lot of personal information about Dean's emotional and psychological state of mind. Full summary in the beginning.
1. Chapter 1

While digging thru the Bunker, Cas and Sam come across a hunter's journal stuffed way back in a hidden area. They soon discover it's actually Dean's journal, and while it contains a great deal of information about monsters, demons, and angels, it also contains a lot of personal information about Dean's emotional and psychological state of mind. By reading the journal, they discover just how deep Dean's depression, self loathing, and abandonment issues really run. How do they help him? **destielpromptoftheday**

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Dean hadn't woken up yet, long drive with no stops, long hunt, and verge of catching a cold. So Cas didn't wake him, and Sam didn't bother him, Dean will be angry when he wakes up anyway. Mostly a "Why fuck didn't you wake me? It's 4 in the afternoon!"

Sam thought of it as a blessing Dean was still asleep, he needed help and if Dean was awake he'd distract Cas. Then Sam would be working on categorization alone. Dean asleep equals good, when Dean wakes up equals... well better to run and hide. Dean is usually just slightly annoyed getting up, but lately it's like he's had his panties so bunched up and a stick up his ass, even Cas is annoyed with Dean and has been yelled at by Dean for no reason.

Sam was going through a row journals, of past Men of Letter, going through each marking down each owner and what the journal entailed. Dean said he already went through them, Sam didn't believe him because of blank pages in the catalogue. There was quite a few of them, usually consist of certain topics; Dragons, Vampires, Demons, Spirits, etc. He made special note to ones with personal interest; stories, life events, and just the sad life of knowing the truth of world.

"M.C, physical manipulation. R.C, Spells. S.C, Exorcisms... At least they are in reverse alphabetical order A, B, C, are bottom shelf on bookcase T, you got that Cas?"

"Yes." Cas said writing it down in the large booking book, as he went through bookcase U.

Second self 16th one going right to left. That one, that one stood out. Sam pulled it out of the L section. "Found one out of order, here's a W." Sam opened it, pages nearly fell out, it was well loved, beer stained and crumpled edging. Thick binding that shown that the spine has been rebound a few times. A very well loved leather journal with buckle. Looked similar to John's journal. Searching for another initial, finding the entries catching his eyes.

December, 1991

_Dad's going on another hunting trip, not surprised, surprised that he's somewhat trusting me again. After that Shtriga, A.K.A my greatest disappointment, Dad doesn't trust me to watch Sam fully. I don't blame him, I disobeyed an order, I left Sam alone and couldn't even shoot the trigger on it's stupid pale face. I was suppose to watch him, not go play arcade games to cool off from Sam's constant questions. "Why don't we talk about mom? Why is dad always on business?" I'm jealous of him, he doesn't know, he can do something with HIS life. I guess that's why I snap to easy around him, I wish he knew so I didn't have to keep lying, but at the same time hope he doesn't find out so he wouldn't have to fear anything. That I'm here to protect him, I alway will, It's my job and only thing I got. Is protecting my baby brother._

_D.W_

"D.W? Dean? I never knew he had a journal..." Sam said out loud to himself.

_24th_

_I can't take it, I just can't. And I'm hungry, really hungry and pissed. Pissed and hungry, it's Christmas eve. Dad lied again he said he'd be here, Sam is questioning that he won't be here tomorrow. He's right he won't, figured so, that's why he gave me this stupid journal before he left. Merry Christmas my disappointment for a son, here be a girl and write down how you feel and stuff. And back to asking questions! Just be happy for we got okay? Why can't you be happy that we are keeping you safe?! I wish I was you, not to worry about Dad, not to worry about Sam, not to worry about every shadow in alleyways. I'm terrified, I wish I didn't have this pressure to be perfect. Soldier... I feel so alone, It's selfish of me to want attention and want to focus on something else than everyone else. So alone._

_I hope Dad gets that demon who killed Mom, so this will all be over. I can live something, I really wanna be a rockstar, that'd be cool. Doing daring stunts into the crowds, feel the attention, then die of a drug overdose. Or a fireman, saving people and destroying fires, burning alive from being trapped in a full raged fire. Or be a mechanic, a mechanic would be sweet for the simple life, apple pie with Beatles playing every day in Bobby's body shop. Then hopefully I'll die doing it, you know car dropping on me. I love Dad's car, I can't wait until I can work under the hood of her. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, she is the closest thing to home, I feel relief when I see her roll in. I'm in love with the car, if it wasn't creepy I'd marry her when I got old. These are just dreams though, I can't have them. I'm a soldier and the only thing I'll ever be good at, so when this is all over I'll join the war, is it bad I've imagined how I want to die on the field? Shot by the enemy troops when saving people, to holding onto a grenade to long._

_I'm hungry, I don't remember my last full meal. I'm glad Sam's stomach is full, that's what matters. _

Sam wiped his eyes, Dean is only in like sixth grade and he already thinks about how he wants to die? he starved himself to feed me? That son of a bitch. He's like that now, but then as well? He thinks relaxing is selfish of him, to want company? God I'm crying and this is just the beginning of everything.

25th

_I was right, Dad wasn't here, and Sam knows monsters are real. I couldn't lie, he had Dad's journal, what could I say? Dad just has a very strange mind? Well that's true. But I couldn't lie anymore, I hate it. I hated myself, knowing he was trying to not cry. Dad isn't here. Sam needed to be a kid, breaking into places are easy now. Having sticky fingers is an understatement, I can pick pocket with my eyes closed. There's a house on the block which were way to much living the good life, they wouldn't even notice if I took something or somethings. But Sam opening them to find that they were girl presents, was the world spitting back at me. Dad isn't here, he should be here. Not even a phone call, I know he's alive, but come on? Do we mean anything to you? I feel terrible and stomach twisting, Sam gave me a present. I love it, it's a really cool amulet, have no idea of what it is of, but still cool. It's special, very special, i think I love it more than the car, because Sam gave it to me._

_D.W_

Sam closed it, he couldn't read anymore right now. He was going to later for sure, but too much right now.

"What's that?" Cas asked over at Sam who had froze to read the journal for several minutes.

"Oh it's a journal," Sam replied weakly, shocked at his discovery.

"Who did it belong to?"

"It's ah- It's Dean's..." Sam said handing it to Cas, who took it graciously.

"I didn't know he had a journal, did you?"

"No, this is very new to me. He's had it for about 25 years, and I have never seen this until now."

"Well I guess he thought blending it in with others, would make it well hidden."

"That's why Dean said he had this section covered, because he hid it here," Sam exclaimed.

"May I read it?" Cas asked, with the journal in his hands.

"I guess, I can't say no because I did, but I don't think Dean wants us too."

"I see, well he won't know then." Cas said opening to a random page, it was about information upon skinwalkers. "He's a great artist, very keen on the detail. The scientific observation sketches alone, are amazing."

"Yeah Dean has always been pretty artsy, are Dad could also draw very well. Even my stick figures suck, Don't tell Dean about his talent he gets all weird and stuff. He's the worst kind of modest."

"I know, he gets fidgeting when I tell him the freckles on his body are adorable." Cas replied. "He doesn't like getting compliments unless he's been drinking."

"ANYONE HERE!" Yelled a voice from the distance, Cas put the journal back soon as possible then ran over to another section weapons, Sam ran over to artifacts.

"Yeah, did you sleep well sleeping beauty?" Sam asked the slumped tired man in boxers and a shirt.

"No. Anyone start breakfast?" Dean asked running his fingers in his messing hair, taking note of a cut over due.

"No-"

"I swear none of you have ever used a kitchen before. I have to do the cooking and cleaning, what do I look like? A housewife."

"Only one of the crazy ones from Beverly Hills."

"Oh haha, very funny Samantha." Dean glared slipping into the kitchen, starting up waffle irons.

"Are you going to tell him it's 3 in the afternoon?" Cas asked.

"Noway, you can." Sam said backing away, Cas sighed walking into the kitchen.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean was slumped over the sink with eyes closed, thinking about the mountain of dishes that need to be done, before starting breakfast. Cas watched the 6 ft 2 hunter start washing from the archway. Dean in those flannel bottoms and t shirt, the well worn clothes that smell of motor oil, musk, and leather. The smell of Dean. Cas stared for a bit longer, before sliding next to Dean to help.

"Cas I got it, it's no big deal," Dean hummed at Cas' presents.

"I like to help Dean."

"I know you do, but just go help Sam for now, I got it. Breakfast will be done shortly," Dean said in a weary tone.

"Dean, it's 3 in the afternoon..." Cas said softly, Dean gave an irritated sigh.

"Lunch or whatever, I'm hungry," Dean replied shooing Cas. Cas went back to Sam, who was back to listing journals.

"Dean's not that angry, a bit irritated. He's still half asleep. Sam can I look in the journal?" Cas asked.

"Yeah, don't get caught, I don't wanna hear Dean's rant about personal shit. Don't touch his stuff, and personal-"

"Space? Dean has lectured me before on that. It hasn't stopped me." Cas interrupted grabbing the journal, ignoring the information about hunting and monsters.

September 20, 2008

_It's really hard to write. I haven't written in years, well in my time it has been years. Not 4 months. My fingers are still numb, my throat is still sore from all the screaming. This is like a dream, I keep expecting this is all going to go away any second. Get a glance of happiness then for it all to be a joke, a new form of torture. But this feels too real, little details on everything, just like my journal was in the same place I buried it._

_If this is all real, then what rose me? This Castiel, this fucker who burnt out Pamela's poor eyes. Must be some bad ass demon, with some mojo that can raise this sweet ass from Hell. Which if I may add I don't deserve, I did horrible things, I can't look at my reflection without seeing the thing I was in Hell. This Castiel, keeps catching me off guard, making my ears bleed and explodes glass into my face. We're summoning him or it tonight, me and Bobby have no idea how to kill him. I'll just improvise like always, I can't have Sam come with us. Something's wrong, he's different, but hey I'm different too and I'm just acting paranoid. But if he found out, he'd try to stop us, I know my brother._

Castiel closes the journal and puts it back solemnly, Sam looks at him worried. "What's the matter Cas?"

"Dean wanted to kill me…"

"What? He wouldn't do that! He loves you, you know that," Sam said with shock.

"He did, he stabbed me with the knife. It was when I rose him from perdition, this was when he didn't believe in angels… He thought I was a demon, whose ass was bad."

"Bad ass?"

"Yes… He was upset about your friend Pamela, when she saw my true form and got hurt." Castiel said with a guilty mumble.

"That was upsetting Cas, but it's not like you killed her."

"Demons did though, because of the 66 seals… Dean wasn't happy with me, because the angels didn't protect her… And he talks about Hell in it. Excuse me, I need to seek Dean-" Cas starting to walk to the kitchen, Sam stopping him. "Sam, Please."

"You can't let him know you were looking thru his journal." Sam hiss, Cas eyed him and squinted.

"I wasn't going to say anything, I was going to take him to the bedroom and worship him and confirm that he doesn't hate me."

"Umm… I don't know how to respond to that, except let Dean Finnish food because I'm hungry." Sam said in a half whine, Cas rolled his eyes and went back to the kitchen. Dean again hasn't noticed him, but Cas can see Dean clearly. Holding a kitchen knife caressing it over his veins, teasing the thought of cutting himself. Castiel denies this thought and reassure himself that Dean is only joking to himself and is seeing how sharp the knife really is. Dean puts it down and picks up another and starts cutting herbs, spices, vegetables, chicken, all the things to make soup.

"Hello Dean," Cas greeted.

"Cas, I told you I don't need help, I got this." Dean said scrapping of the cut ingredients into the boiling pot of broth.

"Well too bad Dean, I wish to help you. I always wish to help _you_, because it's my job to insure you're happy." Cas said flatly, slicing what Dean what had left. "Or is there something you didn't wish for me to see? You wish for your _boyfriend_ not to see something?" Cas asked raised an eyebrow at him, Dean smirked and kiss Cas' temple.

"I have nothing to find from you babe, you know that. _I trust that you do the same Cas_…" Dean said with clear indication to their history.

"Of course Dean, haven't I learned my lesson enough? Trusting Crowley, trusting Metatron? That everything comes with a price, and you seem to be the only person who knows right from wrong?" Cas said coldly that wasn't read immediately.

"Yeah- Wait no… Don't turn this on me Cas! I just said please don't do something, I begged you I got my knees even to not be soul-searching with Crowley. Looking for Purgatory? It was like poking a bear with a short stick. You let those Leviathans, broke my brother head, crushed his wall, and fuck, ditched me in Purgatory!"

"I told you I was trying to keep them away from you! I was a beacon Dean, an angel... I couldn't bear to see you die."

"So you ran away and if I died you'd be fine because you didn't see it? _I'll keep that in mind Cas._ I just said I trust you to not keep things from me."

"You wanna talk about keeping things Dean? Your dick is lustiest thing ever created, even Purgatory, when you were looking for me, _your lover_. You had to sleep with Benny and other times out of Purgatory some random whores at bars! It's not like I cheated on you, ever!" Cas screamed at Dean, eyes starting to water because of anger.

"I never slept with him for the last time! You made that up on your own. You wanted drama because Benny and I, wanted out and you were pushing me away because you didn't want to go. AND YOU COULDN'T TELL ME? Cas I was heartbroken when I thought I failed you, like every god for saken thing I care about! You wanna talk about cheating Cas? One word, Meg!" Dean yelled back slamming the knife into the table, he too looked like he had tears in his eyes. He didn't look frustrated as Cas, more heartbroken and sad. "You- Just go Cas! I'll finish up and we'll not this discuss this later. I'll just bring you the soup when it's done." Dean said calm, Cas could hear the sob catching in his throat.

"Dean..."

"JUST GO AND HELP SAM! Leave me alone!" Dean said gritting his teeth, looking away from Cas. Cas knew he just made everything worse, again.

The soup was done about 15 minutes after the argument, the fight broke out so quickly, Cas knew Dean was really on edge, so was Cas… But why. During the fight, Sam heard everything… He wanted to interject, but he figured it would escalated and end up with more fighting between all three of them. Dean came in quickly putting down the bowls for Sam and Cas, leaving with his to another part of the bunker, most likely his room.

A few hours passed Sam and Cas discussed possible cases, continued filing, and most importantly Dean's journal. They felt bad about it, it was like opening Dean up and exposing him… They didn't feel bad enough to stop reading, it progressed them to read more. What Cas saw earlier worried him, that in fact Dean was hiding something… Something that could hurt him and people who care about him.


End file.
